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Imagine if you will, a bitter cold and rainy Vancouver day. Hard to visualize, I know (insert sarcasm here). It's 8am on Monday and you're en route to your local bus stop, trying to maintain a solid grip on your coffee, umbrella and super-sized purse (because they're hot for spring and therefore necessary). You board the bus which is stuffed to the brim with wet, growly people, yet somehow you manage a seat – yes! You then spend the next 10 glorious minutes with a stranger's private parts in close proximity to your face and you think to yourself – ‘am I there yet'? ‘Am I the unlucky subject of an episode of Punk'd'? Ashton…where are yooooooouuuuuuuuu…?
You crank your iPod - loudly - in an effort to drown out your fellow commuters and somehow survive this journey from hell. Upon arriving at your stop, you try and escape this torture much like a herd of cows being let out to pasture.
Being a frequent passenger aboard Vancouver's various modes of public transportation, I can speak from experience with regards to the narrative above. Thus, I have some rather strong opinions on the subject. Allow me to share with you the…
Top 5 Tips in Bus Etiquette
5. No talking please. For example, my mom (bless her) recently ‘rode the bus like regular people' only to be rudely shut down while offering a friendly ‘good morning' to a fellow female passenger, who was clearly not having it. It's not a social mingler, it's a mode of transport. Let's keep the chit chat to a minimum.
4. Are you over the age of 85 and/or retired? If so, please refrain from riding the bus during peak commuter hours. Where are you going at 8:30am? Is it imperative that you visit the public library at this hour? PS I'm happy to respect the elderly and offer my seat to you, but please be mindful of the 4 inch heels I'm dealing with.
3. Do NOT for any reason ask me to turn down my iPod. This is my only survival mechanism. One day I will bravely reply, explaining ‘this is how I tune out riff raff like you', but in the meantime, I'll grin and nod and pretend to turn it down…but I won't.
2. What part of ‘move to the back' do you not understand? Tourists and ESL students exempt, however 90% of the passengers can hear the driver loud and clear. My favorite is when stubborn people refuse to move and the bus driver plays god and refuses to go anywhere until everyone has done so. Meanwhile, I'm increasingly late for work. Two words – move bitches.
1. Become self aware of your personal hygiene and refrain from boarding the bus if you stink. I realize some people don't know they're stinky, and these people should simply be shot ofcourse, but all others should know – if you board the bus, and you stink, I will stare you down like the stanky mcstank that you are.
Happy commuting!
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